You tell me that “I don’t know”… I don’t know what you have been dealing with. I shake my head in disbelief that those words could EVER come out of your mouth. My heart feels heavy and hurt wells up inside. Then not even anger, but rage sets in.

What I DO KNOW is what I have been a part of. How many times it has been my shoulder, my voice and my presence. What I do know is the time, commitment and heart vested. In your times of trouble I hurt not only for you, but WITH you. Your worry was ours. Your sadness darkened my heart. Your world became a part of mine and I unselfishly met your needs as best I could.

The next time you need to say “I don’t know” instead remember what YOU DO KNOW… That I have been there without judgement or prejudice. That I have given expecting nothing in return. That I have taken time and made an effort. That I DO KNOW more than you are willing to ever say. Just for a moment, also remember that you do know the darkness of my world, the extent of my strength and the saving grace that makes it all bearable.

In the absence of that there is no refuge…

Going through life, minding my own way. Just trying to do what I can for myself to keep the chaos together, then you came along. You came into my life needing a shoulder, understanding and compassion. It was given without a thought. Days turned into months, months turned to years. It was realized that we had a very special friendship. A bond that was made through trust, nurture and voluntary care on both parts. This friendship became a part of us as if it always was. Looking back we see what a precious gift we have built. A gift not many ever experience. KNOWING you are never alone and there is at least one person in the world you can always trust. Though there will still be ups and downs between us, because nothing is ever perfect, there is no doubt the friendship will still remain. The term “my person” has never been seen more clear than when you look at us. We just know, we just are, we just have and we just do…

Life is forever changed.

Chaos inside, living in a minefield with no map. Constant anxiety tearing me down. A hope of disconnect from the reality I call my life. Living in my own realm of fantasy just to keep from taking my last breath. It is getting harder to survive. My strength is failing in so many ways, yet no one notices the brokenness of who I have become. Save myself as I would another. So much easier said than done. I have no self-worth, no meaning in this world. I am nothing more than an invisible mistake that wakes up every day just to exist. Existing is not living. It is a lonely place. A consumption of an indescribable sadness that is eternal. Every day is a torture I do not feel I deserve, but I MUST or this would not be my life. No reasoning, no understanding just disbelief. Though I try to make life different it is always the same. A destiny of darkness that brings me to my knees…

Absence is never really absence when memories are left to haunt your every thought and remind you of what is lost. With a loss so significant it is hard to face the world every day without the consumption of sadness. Those moments throughout your journey become your focus just to try to quiet the emptiness. You would give anything just to have a chance to relive even what would seem the most insignificant one. You live in disbelief of what you are going through and are forced to except. So many unanswered questions and no proper goodbye. The feelings inside are unable to be put into words, but only confirm what you already knew – love… A complicated love that goes beyond its definition, which only makes this absence more unbearable. You hold on to the hope that decisions will be different and you never stop sharing your love with the absence. You live constantly anxious for the tables to turn and your life to fall back into place. Your world has become nothing more than an emotional mayhem left with no escape.

I used to believe in angels, but not so much anymore. I believe them now to be a complete illusion of the mind. A focus of good verses evil when you are at your lowest points. The events that take place during this time complete coincidence, nothing more. For if angels were real, their presence would be a constant in your life, they would not enter for awhile then disappear as if they never existed. They would not fill your world with security, joy and hopefulness only to take it away and watch you helplessly crash to your lowest point once again. By allowing myself to believe and relying on them I have only created more hurt and turmoil by the presence of their absence. I will not pretend that I can forget their memories. In fact, I turn to the illusion just to get through, longing for them to be real. Longing for their presence to push me forward , instead slipping into the realm of negativity that was once my life before they came. So much sadness. Such an emptiness inside felt with every breath taken. How I beg to wake up from this nightmare and to once again be able to rely on them….

My heart that was finally at peace is now unsettled. The hurt, anger and pain that I thought I had let go of has reared its ugly head yet again and I am at a complete loss. So much confusion, but also it seems clarity through the storm. Decisions made in anger are never right, but how do I let go of the anger? Time is what I’m told it takes, but as time goes by there is still no feeling of reconciliation only lack of any feeling at all. I am resentful to be faced with this. My wall is not made of brick and mortar that can be disassembled one at a time. Instead, it is made of kryptonite to help keep the demon at bay. Words spoken are only empty promises in my mind. I am unwilling to entertain the effort. Torn down too many times by the one who claims to love. If the love offered is the same as before it is none I ever want to be given again. I have learned to be strong beyond measure. To protect myself and my happiness at all costs. I will not surrender that to anyone ever again in my life. I AM what matters. I must rely on what I have learned about myself to get me through this. All I can do is sit in the shadows of my heart and soul and wait for the answer…

Growing up I had a friend that always watched over me. On so many occasions he was there to dry my tears, help me pick up the pieces and force me to smile. His soulful brown eyes told the inner story of his generous heart and compassionate nature. He always had his own way about him, never following the crowd. Just proud to be who he was. His way was never boastful or quick to anger. His mild manneredness has always evoked calm. He saw the good in each person and in life itself, yet he could never see how truly special HE was. There could not be a more genuine heart. He was always a security and a blessing in my life. His friendship was a rarity in this world. Over the years we lost touch and I often thought of him fondly. Hoping life was being good to him, he deserved that and more. I knew there would never be another in my life like him that would show me so much unselfish care, wanting nothing in return. Then, during one of my lowest points, he appeared like a mirage in the desert. I was in such disbelief. The security and calm I once knew present again and exactly the way it always was. Our friendship remains as if there has been no loss of time. Already, he has stepped in drying my tears and helping me pick up the pieces, truly sharing the pain in my heart. I am so thankful for this second chance friendship and have no doubt it is here to stay.

The loss of someone you love is such an undescribable pain. Especially when the loss is not because the love is gone and the person is still within your reach. It truly sickens you to the bone. In their absence it is amazing how many things remind you of them. To get through the day without tears is near impossible. There is an overwhelming emptiness tugging at every breath. But still you find yourself revisiting every memory possible just to be near, hoping it will lessen the pain. My person is so amazing and my heart so full of love for him that even through the tears there is a smile. He is a part of me that will always be. And the love I have for him shall remain all the days of my life. Because of this love I realize my infinite selfishness to always want to be near him in a way that is not possible. So I must step back and respect the limitations of reality all for the good of his happiness. I will remain in the distance loving him on his terms and excepting whatever moments are given. I am thankful to at least have that to hold on to. My life has been forever changed by him in ways there are no words to describe. So even with the challenges faced right now I would change nothing about our moments and will be forever grateful for the way fate stepped in and brought him into my life.

After a night of restless sleep it’s time to start the endless day of lies once again. Wake up, put myself together as best I can and go out into the miserable realm of what’s known as my life. Careful not to let others know too much. Go out into this world giving until it hurts, which it does, only to go unnoticed, unloved and unappreciated. Taken for granted by many, wondering what went so wrong? Why must I live this web of lies? Why must I pretend to be happy when I am not? Why must I save face to protect others feelings when mine matter so little? It is my way to share joy with others, lend a smile to their day, being an unending, unconditional pillar of strength for them to lean on. All the while, I am crumbling under the weight of my own life. Such a vindictive trap I am in. A life set in motion by wrong choices. Watching the right ones leaving me by the wayside. Delving deeper into helplessness. Having been given such a heavy blow, I relent. I have no fight left. I must except that it is what it is even though I am who I am. The reflection in the mirror shows defeat in the worst way and I go into the shadow of loneliness living a lie…