I could’ve never known what a blessing you would be in my life. When I saw your face it sparked something and I was drawn in. You have changed my life in so many positive ways. You have given me an outlet for all the madness in my world that gets so dark that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You have given me the guidance to make my own light. I never understood the meaning of “ The pen is mightier than the sword” till now. I believe you were sent so that I would live another day. When I met you my days were scarcely numbered. My hope was abolished. Care for myself was nonexistent. Through your eyes and your heart I was given a meaning like I had never known. In this instance patience is a virtue that I will never take for granted. My patience and yours brought us together and keeps us that way. For that and you my dear one, I will be eternally grateful. You are my difference.
Your weathered face tells a story of a storm raging in your existence. Days of anxiousness so deep that my skin crawl’s, leading me to your memory. The connection is not broken even with distance. Soul To Soul. A connection that will remain for our eternity. I feel your struggle as well. Anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, disbelief. The uncertainty that is your truth right now. The overwhelmingness of it all is dangerous. It alters your true self and causes actions made in desperation. I caution you, take a step back and quiet the storm, even if just for a moment. No good will come of your actions made in such a state, but in the quiet, the voice of reason will step in and you will be able to sort it out. Changing first what you do have control over, one situation at a time. Thinking too far ahead will only keep the storm raging and keep you from your sanity. You are strong, intelligent and uneasily defeated. Though it feels hopeless, you will overcome yet again, stronger than before. The faith I have in you you must also, have in yourself. Only then will the clouds part and give way to brighter days.
~ rambling ~
Nervous anticipation – hold it together – stay composed – when you walk away, break down – such bittersweet moments – STILL, I would not trade them – there are NO words for how much I miss you….
So underserving of what you have taken from me….
My feelings come out how they are experienced within. You judge what you do not understand and cannot comprehend. I do not react with negativity, instead have empathy for your confusion. I am one like no other in the most positive way. My presence can be overwhelming. My absence can leave you breathless. You struggle to justify the situation and pick me apart looking for the darkness. There is none outwardly only my own inside. This proves to add to your resentment. I am who I am. That will NEVER change. What you are looking for in me you will not find. Your judgments will only be the truth you make them. While the reality of me is so much more then you are willing to accept…
Some scars never heal. Some tears never stop falling. The monster in the shadows is always waiting. You can never wake up to a new beginning so you hope to never wake up at all. The monster is a constant. He resides in all that you are and all that you hope to become. “Good days” are only mindless torments there to remind you of what you will never have. You sit in endless silence trying to unlock the mystery of why you are so deserving of such malice. The silence is so full of static and voices that your mind fills with a ripple effect of madness. Madness overcomes. Madness becomes you. All that’s left is manic injustice that becomes your reality.
Destiny always has a way of finding you. Even if the road is hard, the knowledge you gain from your travels will benefit you for the rest of your journey. Through your anger and disbelief you must quiet the static so destiny has a chance to speak. You must listen with an open mind. Take note of her guidance so that when you are ready you can move forward to meet her expectations. Though you may not agree, she knows what is best and will continue to drive you even if it be against your grain. Resistance proves to make it harder and build more resentment, all the while robbing you of precious time. Time that cannot be replaced. Time that was meant for your greater good. You must move past your own understanding and trust her so you can persevere to obtain the happiness that was meant for you. Look back on your life. See your way has served you no benefit. Endless circles. Self-inflicted idling have kept you motionless in time. Now, you must break the cycle. Accept her teachings. Bury your negativities. Unearth your truth and fulfill your destiny so that all can finally be right in your world.
Back when our days were so simple you were my friend and protector. You had a way about you that stood out from the rest. Your heart was kind. Your eyes full of warmth. Your arms a refuge. Trust, honesty, security, comfort were the gifts given, but also made you who you were. More than 30 years have passed now. Our lives have gone through so many changes. Our friendship is as it always was. The same qualities that made it so amazing then make it even more amazing now. I am in awe of the gift you share with me. I am immeasurably thankful for your part in my life. Your acceptance of who I am, even with all my scars, tells of an unconditional love that supersedes the understanding of this world and concretes the truth that you and I are unexplainable, but totally comprehensive at the same time. You, my friend, make all the difference in my world and I love you so very much…
Years have passed and brought you here, but reality for you has gone astray. Your choices have filled you with anger. Your circumstances have filled you with hatred. Your lack of acceptance has filled you with blame. You are tormented by a haunting fairytale that just wasn’t meant to be. Your focus on the past stifles your movement forward, robs you of a chance at life in a different light. All the while, you yourself are destroying a great man. No one stands beside you now, but instead they watch in the distance in horror with a heavy heart at what unfolds. In order to free yourself from this torture and madness you MUST face reality as it is. Happiness can never be found in the same place you lost it. The continuous consumption of negativity will be your permanent demise if you are not careful. Acceptance will bring clarity. Clarity will bring perseverance. Your belief in yourself will bring strength. Your life will become one of the greatest stories ever told if you will just give your future a chance.
No Letting Go
I never quite understood the meaning of soulmate until I met you. Love, laughter, security. Never, ever getting tired of one another or ever running out of things to talk about. Smiles for miles. Warmth felt just at the mention of your name. There has never been one like you that offers such complete contentness. With you life falls into place. There is such beauty in who you are and who I am when I’m with you. You say this is “too good”. I say it is a perfect anomaly of life in this not so perfect world. It took so much to have our paths lineup in just the right way to bring us here. I am unwilling to believe the purpose was only temporary. I would let go for your sake, if you could just tell me how. You, however, don’t hold the answer to that as you struggle to let go yourself…
Too attached. So in love. Blind to your faults. Put you on a pedestal never realizing how shallow you are or that I would never really matter. Would give anything and everything just to be a part of you, but that will never be enough. I am me. I encourage, love unconditionally, build you up when others tear you down. What you crave is nothing I am or would lower myself to be. My heart sees YOU, feels your desires and knows the truth even when you don’t. You want belonging, love, care, security, family, the white picket fence that forever is made of. However, you are blind to the notion that all fences are not the same. Repairs are not always an option. New fences sometimes need to be built. Then and only then is forever what it’s meant to be. I watch you struggle on this journey with a heart full of sorrow. Wishing I could take your crooked path and burdens upon myself so you can finally be complete. Sadly, I know this is not the way the world works. So instead, I idle beside you, praying for your pieces to fall into place. All the while remaining too attached.