Years have passed and brought you here, but reality for you has gone astray. Your choices have filled you with anger. Your circumstances have filled you with hatred. Your lack of acceptance has filled you with blame. You are tormented by a haunting fairytale that just wasn’t meant to be. Your focus on the past stifles your movement forward, robs you of a chance at life in a different light. All the while, you yourself are destroying a great man. No one stands beside you now, but instead they watch in the distance in horror with a heavy heart at what unfolds. In order to free yourself from this torture and madness you MUST face reality as it is. Happiness can never be found in the same place you lost it. The continuous consumption of negativity will be your permanent demise if you are not careful. Acceptance will bring clarity. Clarity will bring perseverance. Your belief in yourself will bring strength. Your life will become one of the greatest stories ever told if you will just give your future a chance.
I never quite understood the meaning of soulmate until I met you. Love, laughter, security. Never, ever getting tired of one another or ever running out of things to talk about. Smiles for miles. Warmth felt just at the mention of your name. There has never been one like you that offers such complete contentness. With you life falls into place. There is such beauty in who you are and who I am when I’m with you. You say this is “too good”. I say it is a perfect anomaly of life in this not so perfect world. It took so much to have our paths lineup in just the right way to bring us here. I am unwilling to believe the purpose was only temporary. I would let go for your sake, if you could just tell me how. You, however, don’t hold the answer to that as you struggle to let go yourself…
Too attached. So in love. Blind to your faults. Put you on a pedestal never realizing how shallow you are or that I would never really matter. Would give anything and everything just to be a part of you, but that will never be enough. I am me. I encourage, love unconditionally, build you up when others tear you down. What you crave is nothing I am or would lower myself to be. My heart sees YOU, feels your desires and knows the truth even when you don’t. You want belonging, love, care, security, family, the white picket fence that forever is made of. However, you are blind to the notion that all fences are not the same. Repairs are not always an option. New fences sometimes need to be built. Then and only then is forever what it’s meant to be. I watch you struggle on this journey with a heart full of sorrow. Wishing I could take your crooked path and burdens upon myself so you can finally be complete. Sadly, I know this is not the way the world works. So instead, I idle beside you, praying for your pieces to fall into place. All the while remaining too attached.
Sitting alone with my thoughts. Asking myself what’s worse-
Knowing that you don’t love me anymore or that you never did. The realization is unbearable. So many memories. None with a warning of what was to come. Trying to accept now that the happiness was not real and that my person never existed. Loss and confusion. The weight of this tragedy offers me no room to breathe, instead drowns me in an ocean of sorrow and tears. Enjoying every moment. Endless hours of conversation. Smiling, laughing. Just knowing without words. An unconditional bond.
I let you in, embraced everything about you only to be discarded without a thought. The scar you leave behind is the deepest I have ever known. Your absence haunts me and so does your presence. You are a stranger to me now yet familiar at the same time. Turmoil replaced happiness. Screams replaced laughter. Silence replaced conversations.
NOTHING WILL REPLACE YOU…
I try to comprehend how my life choices brought me here wondering what I could’ve done differently and how to move forward with what I have left. Everyone that has entered my life has left some thing, but also taken something away. Not always positive. I often wonder who I was before they came and if I will ever find that person again once they are gone. I do not recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I stare looking for a glimpse of who I was, but she no longer exists. So now I struggle yet again to make sense of it all and decide where to go from here. Needing to begin again, hoping this time to not make the same mistakes as before. For me living guarded is not really living. I try to be a giver of smiles even when mine are being taken, but in the cruelty of this world I must view life with a different perspective in order to give Hazel a chance to be set free and to recognize herself in the mirror. Then and only then will the smile looking back be her own.
Five months ago on October 26, 2020 my world came to a crashing halt. Silence fell, fell so hard it was deafening and it shook me to my core. The darkness over took everything. I was left broken in a million pieces with no real comprehension of the toll to be taken and more alone than I have ever been. I prayed every day for the light to come back or the darkness to be permanent. Out of sight out of mind is not reality when the memories reside in your heart and are burned into your soul. They only become an every day torture that you cannot escape from. I stood idly by watching the madness unfold. Feeling even more helpless knowing that you could not escape from it either. Now as there becomes tears in the darkness and the light is starting to shine through I am faced with uncertainty and fear rears its ugly head. What was once a blessing became a curse. And I am unsure if I am willing to allow that to become a part of my world again. The allowance of happiness, if only temporary, is more than I can bear. Trust has been broken and security shattered. I am deserving of so much more, as are you, but maybe not in the same journey.
So many things in this life are temporary. Even life itself. One thing, when it is real, will be with us until we take our last breath. It is ever present. It is a gift that gives so much more than words can explain. It becomes a part of who we are. It is seen by our expression and actions, felt by our heart and soul, heard through our laughter and tears. There will never be anything like it and it can never be replaced. It can only be understood by those who have experienced it. It is not tangible, rather an existence of paths that aline in just the right way in order for this gift to take place. It leaves you in awe and always thankful that you were chosen. It is truly unconditional, unfailing and unimaginable. This very precious gift becomes a permanent part of our journey. It is named by one simple word – LOVE.
I wish you could know what I know, feel what I feel and realize the total insaneness of it all. For a moment in time I was not alone. My cares were so few and my will could not be broken. My face finally told the story of purpose and happiness. I cherished every second and relived memories SO many times. All the while without knowing one day memories would be all I had. I see you now worn, tired. Still I take it all in, paying even closer attention to all that makes you you. Your voice, your presence – so bitter sweet. You leave me overwhelmed by emotion. Emotion you refuse to witness or believe in. Maybe because you are overwhelmed by your own as well. I caution you. Wise up, take nothing for granted. For one day you too may be left with nothing, but a memory.
You ask “How are you?” I answer “I miss my best friend.” What I’m really saying is I miss your smile and laughter. I miss the sound of your voice and it’s security. I miss our conversations, company and companionship. I miss knowing the things that are going on in your life and being there for each other. I miss having something to look forward to every day. I miss the depth of your eyes, the warmth of your heart, the unspokeness. I miss how I feel when you are in my life. There is no measure for the toll taken, but in the depth of it all my promise to you remains true, I will ALWAYS be right where you left me…
Please take my hand before I slip away. Before all of my strength is exhausted. I have held on for so long on my own, but I am so tired now. I feel my will breaking and my light going dim. This pain has become an inferno that is burning me to the core. My reality has turned into a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I know you see me. I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my screams. Why won’t you reach for me? Why must you turn away as if I am a stranger? Even a stranger deserves mercy. Does your lack of care make it easier for you to except the desolation you have bestowed on me? Live in your world. See things as you will. As I fade into ashes let the fire remind you of what I once was and what is still burning inside of you…