Ignorance

People are people in this world. We all have feelings, family, friends and choices. Color does not dictate that. We all hurt, struggle and have the ability to share love, kindness and give more than we take. It is ignorance that is racist. Ignorance that believes you cannot make the difference and that people are not equal. As a nation and just plain humanity we need to come together in a positive motion forward to rise above this. Our actions and words need to reflect this daily in everything that we do. Violence has no place in this struggle it only proves to make it more difficult and create more hurt. It is my heartfelt hope that one day the realization of what makes positive change will be felt by all, put into action and that our own ignorance will be, but a memory…

Too Busy

In this life of everyday uncertainty it is important not to take for granted those that matter most in your life. Life is always going to be busy, full of commitments and expectations, but in the midst of that those that matter should still have their place. Letting someone know their place in your life takes so little. A phone call, short visit or even a little note. Shame on you if you don’t take that time. Time is not endless and the way you use it should not be foolish. Without careful thought your misuse of time will be your regret. Actions speak louder than words. The next time you think you are too busy take into account what you are really saying. “You are not important, You don’t matter, You are only a person in my life out of convenience.” If that is not your message change your actions to reflect your meanings. You have chances to do this everyday until you don’t. At that moment an awakening happens beyond comprehension all because you were Too Busy…

There is such a heaviness in my heart, a sickness in the pit of my stomach. The realization of what I meant to you is too much for me to bear. I was everything and nothing at the same time. My importance in your life was nothing more than a convenience for you to meet your needs. How assuming of me to believe it was anything more. The shocker of the situation is that meeting your needs took seasons of time and vestment of heart. More so, you unconditionally, it seemed, gave time and heart of your own, not only to my needs, but to be a constant in my life in a way I never asked for or expected. In an instant silence fell, care was gone and time was non existent. I applaud your ability to keep the facade going as long as you did, but I will pray for your evil minded spirit. On the surface you appear to have an Angel’s heart, now at great cost I know better. This hurt you have bestowed on me leaves yet another scar that cuts deeper than most. Left again picking up the pieces of the brokenness that makes me who I am…

Not So Ordinary

If you think you are just an ordinary person, not anything special let me share with you a secret or two. In someone’s life you matter more than you will ever fathom. Your voice is the calm during the storm. Your smile warms the soul. Your laughter is contagious. Your touch takes away the loneliness and gives comfort. Your eyes tell of compassion and trust. Being in the presence of your soft quietness builds the spirit, adds completeness and takes away the weight of the world. You give strength to those around you just by being who you are. You are amazing beyond measure. Without you someone, somewhere would never be the same. Their world would be missing something that could never be replaced. You give a gift that is solely yours. Nothing about you is ordinary. Everything about you is special. I am in awe that you share that with me and a much better person because of it. So you see the simplicity of who you are isn’t so ordinary after all…

Catch my Breath

Emptiness inside, yet so much pain. Trying to accept life as it is. Still trying to catch my breath. Memories play like an old movie reel over and over, then suddenly there is nothing. My world fell silent. Day to day it is as if I’m not really conscious. Going through the motions saying to myself, “ this is just a bad dream.” Going to sleep at night in hopes tomorrow will bring the light back. Waking up only to find that the darkness remains. I have been here before, MANY times. Should be used to it by now. Maybe I am, but the comprehension of why always torments. I should trade evil for good. Stay locked behind a self created fortress, never letting anyone in. That is not who I am. I am a broken, compassionate giver. Selfless to the needs of others. Scarred by the unkindness of my life’s events. Desperately fighting for them not to define who I am. It is a viscous cycle. An endless journey of constant struggle and hurt. I must fight against myself and circumstance with the belief that one day I will finally catch my breath and the darkness will be, but a memory…

I don’t know

You tell me that “I don’t know”… I don’t know what you have been dealing with. I shake my head in disbelief that those words could EVER come out of your mouth. My heart feels heavy and hurt wells up inside. Then not even anger, but rage sets in.

What I DO KNOW is what I have been a part of. How many times it has been my shoulder, my voice and my presence. What I do know is the time, commitment and heart vested. In your times of trouble I hurt not only for you, but WITH you. Your worry was ours. Your sadness darkened my heart. Your world became a part of mine and I unselfishly met your needs as best I could.

The next time you need to say “I don’t know” instead remember what YOU DO KNOW… That I have been there without judgement or prejudice. That I have given expecting nothing in return. That I have taken time and made an effort. That I DO KNOW more than you are willing to ever say. Just for a moment, also remember that you do know the darkness of my world, the extent of my strength and the saving grace that makes it all bearable.

In the absence of that there is no refuge…

Without a Thought

Going through life, minding my own way. Just trying to do what I can for myself to keep the chaos together, then you came along. You came into my life needing a shoulder, understanding and compassion. It was given without a thought. Days turned into months, months turned to years. It was realized that we had a very special friendship. A bond that was made through trust, nurture and voluntary care on both parts. This friendship became a part of us as if it always was. Looking back we see what a precious gift we have built. A gift not many ever experience. KNOWING you are never alone and there is at least one person in the world you can always trust. Though there will still be ups and downs between us, because nothing is ever perfect, there is no doubt the friendship will still remain. The term “my person” has never been seen more clear than when you look at us. We just know, we just are, we just have and we just do…

Life is forever changed.

Destiny of Darkness

Chaos inside, living in a minefield with no map. Constant anxiety tearing me down. A hope of disconnect from the reality I call my life. Living in my own realm of fantasy just to keep from taking my last breath. It is getting harder to survive. My strength is failing in so many ways, yet no one notices the brokenness of who I have become. Save myself as I would another. So much easier said than done. I have no self-worth, no meaning in this world. I am nothing more than an invisible mistake that wakes up every day just to exist. Existing is not living. It is a lonely place. A consumption of an indescribable sadness that is eternal. Every day is a torture I do not feel I deserve, but I MUST or this would not be my life. No reasoning, no understanding just disbelief. Though I try to make life different it is always the same. A destiny of darkness that brings me to my knees…

Emotional Mayhem

Absence is never really absence when memories are left to haunt your every thought and remind you of what is lost. With a loss so significant it is hard to face the world every day without the consumption of sadness. Those moments throughout your journey become your focus just to try to quiet the emptiness. You would give anything just to have a chance to relive even what would seem the most insignificant one. You live in disbelief of what you are going through and are forced to except. So many unanswered questions and no proper goodbye. The feelings inside are unable to be put into words, but only confirm what you already knew – love… A complicated love that goes beyond its definition, which only makes this absence more unbearable. You hold onto the hope that decisions will be different and you never stop sharing your love with the absence. You live constantly anxious for the tables to turn and your life to fall back into place. Your world has become nothing more than an emotional mayhem left with no escape.