My feelings come out how they are experienced within. You judge what you do not understand and cannot comprehend. I do not react with negativity, instead have empathy for your confusion. I am one like no other in the most positive way. My presence can be overwhelming. My absence can leave you breathless. You struggle to justify the situation and pick me apart looking for the darkness. There is none outwardly only my own inside. This proves to add to your resentment. I am who I am. That will NEVER change. What you are looking for in me you will not find. Your judgments will only be the truth you make them. While the reality of me is so much more then you are willing to accept…
Some scars never heal. Some tears never stop falling. The monster in the shadows is always waiting. You can never wake up to a new beginning so you hope to never wake up at all. The monster is a constant. He resides in all that you are and all that you hope to become. “Good days” are only mindless torments there to remind you of what you will never have. You sit in endless silence trying to unlock the mystery of why you are so deserving of such malice. The silence is so full of static and voices that your mind fills with a ripple effect of madness. Madness overcomes. Madness becomes you. All that’s left is manic injustice that becomes your reality.
Destiny always has a way of finding you. Even if the road is hard, the knowledge you gain from your travels will benefit you for the rest of your journey. Through your anger and disbelief you must quiet the static so destiny has a chance to speak. You must listen with an open mind. Take note of her guidance so that when you are ready you can move forward to meet her expectations. Though you may not agree, she knows what is best and will continue to drive you even if it be against your grain. Resistance proves to make it harder and build more resentment, all the while robbing you of precious time. Time that cannot be replaced. Time that was meant for your greater good. You must move past your own understanding and trust her so you can persevere to obtain the happiness that was meant for you. Look back on your life. See your way has served you no benefit. Endless circles. Self-inflicted idling have kept you motionless in time. Now, you must break the cycle. Accept her teachings. Bury your negativities. Unearth your truth and fulfill your destiny so that all can finally be right in your world.
Back when our days were so simple you were my friend and protector. You had a way about you that stood out from the rest. Your heart was kind. Your eyes full of warmth. Your arms a refuge. Trust, honesty, security, comfort were the gifts given, but also made you who you were. More than 30 years have passed now. Our lives have gone through so many changes. Our friendship is as it always was. The same qualities that made it so amazing then make it even more amazing now. I am in awe of the gift you share with me. I am immeasurably thankful for your part in my life. Your acceptance of who I am, even with all my scars, tells of an unconditional love that supersedes the understanding of this world and concretes the truth that you and I are unexplainable, but totally comprehensive at the same time. You, my friend, make all the difference in my world and I love you so very much…
Years have passed and brought you here, but reality for you has gone astray. Your choices have filled you with anger. Your circumstances have filled you with hatred. Your lack of acceptance has filled you with blame. You are tormented by a haunting fairytale that just wasn’t meant to be. Your focus on the past stifles your movement forward, robs you of a chance at life in a different light. All the while, you yourself are destroying a great man. No one stands beside you now, but instead they watch in the distance in horror with a heavy heart at what unfolds. In order to free yourself from this torture and madness you MUST face reality as it is. Happiness can never be found in the same place you lost it. The continuous consumption of negativity will be your permanent demise if you are not careful. Acceptance will bring clarity. Clarity will bring perseverance. Your belief in yourself will bring strength. Your life will become one of the greatest stories ever told if you will just give your future a chance.
No Letting Go
I never quite understood the meaning of soulmate until I met you. Love, laughter, security. Never, ever getting tired of one another or ever running out of things to talk about. Smiles for miles. Warmth felt just at the mention of your name. There has never been one like you that offers such complete contentness. With you life falls into place. There is such beauty in who you are and who I am when I’m with you. You say this is “too good”. I say it is a perfect anomaly of life in this not so perfect world. It took so much to have our paths lineup in just the right way to bring us here. I am unwilling to believe the purpose was only temporary. I would let go for your sake, if you could just tell me how. You, however, don’t hold the answer to that as you struggle to let go yourself…
Too attached. So in love. Blind to your faults. Put you on a pedestal never realizing how shallow you are or that I would never really matter. Would give anything and everything just to be a part of you, but that will never be enough. I am me. I encourage, love unconditionally, build you up when others tear you down. What you crave is nothing I am or would lower myself to be. My heart sees YOU, feels your desires and knows the truth even when you don’t. You want belonging, love, care, security, family, the white picket fence that forever is made of. However, you are blind to the notion that all fences are not the same. Repairs are not always an option. New fences sometimes need to be built. Then and only then is forever what it’s meant to be. I watch you struggle on this journey with a heart full of sorrow. Wishing I could take your crooked path and burdens upon myself so you can finally be complete. Sadly, I know this is not the way the world works. So instead, I idle beside you, praying for your pieces to fall into place. All the while remaining too attached.
Loss and Confusion
Sitting alone with my thoughts. Asking myself what’s worse-
Knowing that you don’t love me anymore or that you never did. The realization is unbearable. So many memories. None with a warning of what was to come. Trying to accept now that the happiness was not real and that my person never existed. Loss and confusion. The weight of this tragedy offers me no room to breathe, instead drowns me in an ocean of sorrow and tears. Enjoying every moment. Endless hours of conversation. Smiling, laughing. Just knowing without words. An unconditional bond.
I let you in, embraced everything about you only to be discarded without a thought. The scar you leave behind is the deepest I have ever known. Your absence haunts me and so does your presence. You are a stranger to me now yet familiar at the same time. Turmoil replaced happiness. Screams replaced laughter. Silence replaced conversations.
NOTHING WILL REPLACE YOU…
I try to comprehend how my life choices brought me here wondering what I could’ve done differently and how to move forward with what I have left. Everyone that has entered my life has left some thing, but also taken something away. Not always positive. I often wonder who I was before they came and if I will ever find that person again once they are gone. I do not recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I stare looking for a glimpse of who I was, but she no longer exists. So now I struggle yet again to make sense of it all and decide where to go from here. Needing to begin again, hoping this time to not make the same mistakes as before. For me living guarded is not really living. I try to be a giver of smiles even when mine are being taken, but in the cruelty of this world I must view life with a different perspective in order to give Hazel a chance to be set free and to recognize herself in the mirror. Then and only then will the smile looking back be her own.
Five months ago on October 26, 2020 my world came to a crashing halt. Silence fell, fell so hard it was deafening and it shook me to my core. The darkness over took everything. I was left broken in a million pieces with no real comprehension of the toll to be taken and more alone than I have ever been. I prayed every day for the light to come back or the darkness to be permanent. Out of sight out of mind is not reality when the memories reside in your heart and are burned into your soul. They only become an every day torture that you cannot escape from. I stood idly by watching the madness unfold. Feeling even more helpless knowing that you could not escape from it either. Now as there becomes tears in the darkness and the light is starting to shine through I am faced with uncertainty and fear rears its ugly head. What was once a blessing became a curse. And I am unsure if I am willing to allow that to become a part of my world again. The allowance of happiness, if only temporary, is more than I can bear. Trust has been broken and security shattered. I am deserving of so much more, as are you, but maybe not in the same journey.