Loss and Confusion

Sitting alone with my thoughts. Asking myself what’s worse-
Knowing that you don’t love me anymore or that you never did. The realization is unbearable. So many memories. None with a warning of what was to come. Trying to accept now that the happiness was not real and that my person never existed. Loss and confusion. The weight of this tragedy offers me no room to breathe, instead drowns me in an ocean of sorrow and tears. Enjoying every moment. Endless hours of conversation. Smiling, laughing. Just knowing without words. An unconditional bond.
All lies.
I let you in, embraced everything about you only to be discarded without a thought. The scar you leave behind is the deepest I have ever known. Your absence haunts me and so does your presence. You are a stranger to me now yet familiar at the same time. Turmoil replaced happiness. Screams replaced laughter. Silence replaced conversations.

NOTHING WILL REPLACE YOU…

The Mirror

I try to comprehend how my life choices brought me here wondering what I could’ve done differently and how to move forward with what I have left. Everyone that has entered my life has left some thing, but also taken something away. Not always positive. I often wonder who I was before they came and if I will ever find that person again once they are gone. I do not recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I stare looking for a glimpse of who I was, but she no longer exists. So now I struggle yet again to make sense of it all and decide where to go from here. Needing to begin again, hoping this time to not make the same mistakes as before. For me living guarded is not really living. I try to be a giver of smiles even when mine are being taken, but in the cruelty of this world I must view life with a different perspective in order to give Hazel a chance to be set free and to recognize herself in the mirror. Then and only then will the smile looking back be her own.

Apprehension

Five months ago on October 26, 2020 my world came to a crashing halt. Silence fell, fell so hard it was deafening and it shook me to my core. The darkness over took everything. I was left broken in a million pieces with no real comprehension of the toll to be taken and more alone than I have ever been. I prayed every day for the light to come back or the darkness to be permanent. Out of sight out of mind is not reality when the memories reside in your heart and are burned into your soul. They only become an every day torture that you cannot escape from. I stood idly by watching the madness unfold. Feeling even more helpless knowing that you could not escape from it either. Now as there becomes tears in the darkness and the light is starting to shine through I am faced with uncertainty and fear rears its ugly head. What was once a blessing became a curse. And I am unsure if I am willing to allow that to become a part of my world again. The allowance of happiness, if only temporary, is more than I can bear. Trust has been broken and security shattered. I am deserving of so much more, as are you, but maybe not in the same journey.

Love is Permanent

So many things in this life are temporary. Even life itself. One thing, when it is real, will be with us until we take our last breath. It is ever present. It is a gift that gives so much more than words can explain. It becomes a part of who we are. It is seen by our expression and actions, felt by our heart and soul, heard through our laughter and tears. There will never be anything like it and it can never be replaced. It can only be understood by those who have experienced it. It is not tangible, rather an existence of paths that aline in just the right way in order for this gift to take place. It leaves you in awe and always thankful that you were chosen. It is truly unconditional, unfailing and unimaginable. This very precious gift becomes a permanent part of our journey. It is named by one simple word – LOVE.

Nothing But

I wish you could know what I know, feel what I feel and realize the total insaneness of it all. For a moment in time I was not alone. My cares were so few and my will could not be broken. My face finally told the story of purpose and happiness. I cherished every second and relived memories SO many times. All the while without knowing one day memories would be all I had. I see you now worn, tired. Still I take it all in, paying even closer attention to all that makes you you. Your voice, your presence – so bitter sweet. You leave me overwhelmed by emotion. Emotion you refuse to witness or believe in. Maybe because you are overwhelmed by your own as well. I caution you. Wise up, take nothing for granted. For one day you too may be left with nothing, but a memory.

You ask “How are you?” I answer “I miss my best friend.” What I’m really saying is I miss your smile and laughter. I miss the sound of your voice and it’s security. I miss our conversations, company and companionship. I miss knowing the things that are going on in your life and being there for each other. I miss having something to look forward to every day. I miss the depth of your eyes, the warmth of your heart, the unspokeness. I miss how I feel when you are in my life. There is no measure for the toll taken, but in the depth of it all my promise to you remains true, I will ALWAYS be right where you left me…

Inferno

Please take my hand before I slip away. Before all of my strength is exhausted. I have held on for so long on my own, but I am so tired now. I feel my will breaking and my light going dim. This pain has become an inferno that is burning me to the core. My reality has turned into a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I know you see me. I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my screams. Why won’t you reach for me? Why must you turn away as if I am a stranger? Even a stranger deserves mercy. Does your lack of care make it easier for you to except the desolation you have bestowed on me? Live in your world. See things as you will. As I fade into ashes let the fire remind you of what I once was and what is still burning inside of you…

No Ordinary Love

Words are spoken without sound. Warmth is felt without touch. Eyes exchange such meaning that it resonates around us. The smiles between us tell stories that everyone wants to hear, but only we share. There has never been another like this nor will there be again. A connection of one soul to another. So effortless and natural that we know it was just meant to be. An alignment of life to make the journey easier. To finally mean something to someone in an unconditional way. Each day growing more precious to one another. Becoming as important to each other as the air we breathe. There is such beauty in a relationship like this that it takes your breath away just being a part of it. There is even more appreciation for every second shared. Time together passes too quickly. Time apart is always too long. The anxiousness of absence never changes. We feel completeness at the sound of each other’s voice and wholeness in each others presence. We continuously stand in awe and are thankful to realize that what we share is no ordinary love…

In the Shadows

Tears fall and my heart is filled with sorrow. My smile and laughter are absent, as are you. Yet you are still a part of my every breath. Our bond cannot be broken by this absence. We are connected without presence or words. My person, your voice of reason. Two souls that intertwine. I stay in the shadows as you take this journey to find answers, but still never leaving your side. I see you in the distance. Your face is troubled. Your smile is dim. Your laughter is silent. I want to run to you, but I mustn’t. You must do this on your own. You must exhaust all efforts in order to be free from what haunts you. This journey you take takes it’s toll on both of us. I understand its importance and hope it leaves you with clarity. I wait for the day to once again be able to look upon your face and see the light. Until then our memories will be my saving grace as I wait quietly in the shadows…

Love till my Last Breath

They say love is a many splendored thing. It brings joy, smiles and makes a heart feel like nothing else ever could. It is shared through affection, communication and understood quietness when you look at one another. It is amazing to be in the presence of. Enjoying even the simplest moments that others may take for granted and feeling the contentment of it all. In this life, I can say I have been lucky enough to share this with someone. One who excepts me as I am and puts back together all my brokenness. One who excepts my scars without judgement and completes me in a way that is solely his. I could never express in words his meaning in my life, but my actions will speak until I take my last breath…