Living a Lie

After a night of restless sleep it’s time to start the endless day of lies once again. Wake up, put myself together as best I can and go out into the miserable realm of what’s known as my life. Careful not to let others know too much. Go out into this world giving until it hurts, which it does, only to go unnoticed, unloved and unappreciated. Taken for granted by many, wondering what went so wrong? Why must I live this web of lies? Why must I pretend to be happy when I am not? Why must I save face to protect others feelings when mine matter so little? It is my way to share joy with others, lend a smile to their day, being an unending, unconditional pillar of strength for them to lean on. All the while, I am crumbling under the weight of my own life. Such a vindictive trap I am in. A life set in motion by wrong choices. Watching the right ones leaving me by the wayside. Delving deeper into helplessness. Having been given such a heavy blow, I relent. I have no fight left. I must except that it is what it is even though I am who I am. The reflection in the mirror shows defeat in the worst way and I go into the shadow of loneliness living a lie…

Settled Emptiness

I am so lost right now. My heart has an intense pain that will not subside. It is hard to breathe. A desolate emptiness has settled upon me and I feel so alone. I reach out for you, but you are not there to save me. I scream for you over and over with no answer. My tears are waterfalls of sadness that surely make me feel like I am drowning. I am at such an ununderstanding that I am in this place right now. How can this be? How can you know my hurt my pain and turn your back on me so easily? I just want you to take me in your arms, hold me and make everything okay, but you will not. So I stand alone revisiting every memory you have ever given. Closing my eyes to be in the moment.  Begging for my heart to stop being in pain and breath to return. There is  no replacement for you nor will there ever be. You have given what there are no words to describe. Your presence in my life my heart my soul are uniquely yours. I would not trade any of it even with this hurt. I except it all willingly for without it ALL I would have none. So for now I will take my memories and do my best to try to save myself and await your open arms once more…

Past the point of Scars

I have scars left by others that run deep. I am proud of those scars. Those scars have taught me a lot about life, people and myself. Because of them I have learned I am a strong, compassionate person who is also guarded at times. I am a giver and a doer. I am sensitive and genuine. I am the best friend you could ever have. My smile is bright. I love to make others laugh. When you look into my eyes you will see the goodness in my heart, but also my beautiful soul. My purpose is to share love and kindness in a world that has gone astray. So having said these things, if you come into my life and want to stay you must have respect for all of me, even with my scars. You must be genuine and kind. If you are going to love me, in any way, it cannot be conditional. You must always be there to build me up, never tear me down. You must be a smile giver, never a smile taker. I know there will still be hurt and disagreement, no one is perfect, but I am past the point of scars. Life is getting shorter by the minute and I have already wasted so much of it on things not worth it. I do not mean to offend and hope you can understand. I promise you if you except these terms and decide to stay there will always be at least one smile in your heart…

Enough

Insecurity is such a living hell on earth. It robs you of joy and happiness every chance it gets. People tell you “stop the nonsense”. “Why can’t you see yourself the way I do”? That’s just it – I do see myself the way others have. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, just not enough period. I have spent a good majority of life trying to meet the expectations of others. In doing so, I have never given myself a chance to see if I am enough for me. The years have taken their toll and I am left trying desperately to undo all that has been done. The hurt, insecurity and fear of abandonment are always at the front of my mind. I spend the better part of my day fighting to push them back. Just when I make progress the day is over and I awaken to fight all over again. Some days I am pretty proud of myself. I can actually look in the mirror and say to myself “I am good enough for me and that’s all that matters”. Still other days are rough. I hate everything about myself. The past voices just keep screaming in my head and I am not strong enough to win. Those days are really difficult and only add more fuel to the negative fire. Though I often feel defeated I cannot give up. As I look inside myself and who I have become I believe that I deserve to be accepted for who I am. I believe that the hurtful voices need to be silenced. I just have not figured out how to make that happen, but I will never stop trying. If I cannot find worth in myself I cannot expect anyone else to either. Life will become an unending cycle of sadness. That would be tragic. I did not come into the world this way, nor do I want to leave it this way. I want to be remembered as a compassionate smile maker who’s light was unending. When I take my last breath I want to be able to say “I am enough”…

Dream On

So they say the average person will sleep 26 years in a lifetime. Some may hear that and think – such a waste. For me I hear that and think – how wonderful. I’m sure in a perfect world sleeping that long would be a waste, but in my world it will be time spent in a realm where my world can be perfect. In dreams I am free to be happy. I can except myself the way I am without the care of another’s thoughts. I can have that special someone in my life that lights my heart on fire and I can spend as many countless hours as I choose just being content and secure in his arms. My heart can be whole instead of scarred and in pieces. Dreams are the one place where life can really be what you make it and love is unconditional without limits. An escape from the cruelty of reality and all its negativity. Looking at it that way, those 26 years seem like blessings of happiness that I will gladly spend being able to just Dream On…

Love is…

Love is such a misused, misunderstood word. I feel it is often said without the understanding of the true meaning. The definition of the word love is a strong affection for or to feel passion, devotion or tenderness for another. I wish I could say that when someone says they love you that is what is really understood, meant or shown. More often than not in this world that is not it at all. Rather love is a disconnected disrespect of selfishness that leaves you feeling empty and confused. Saying one thing, showing something very different. For me that word has brought much heart ache and insecurity. When it is said I find myself bracing for the hurt and abandonment. Throughout my life no one that says they love me ever stays. They never show it for long and soon there is always something they dislike more than they love about me. I have spent so much of my life this way that it has caused me to ask myself what love meant to me so I could make a positive difference and use my own hurt for good. For me love is giving more than you take. It is care, concern, forgiveness, tenderness, communication and an unconditional, unexplainable feeling that is unique to the person you share it with. I believe the person you share it with should always know they matter and are important in your world. I want to give them a reason to smile as much as I can and will go out of my way to do so. I believe life is too short to take the people you love for granted. It is my hope that when I share love it will bring happiness to my person not just for that moment, but also as a memory relived. On the rare occasion that you find someone in life that gets the real meaning of love there is no greater gift or pleasure. Even the people around you are a witness to it. It is a smile till your face hurts kind of thing that you will never get enough of.

~ rambling ~

Do you know how hard it is to go through life feeling all alone and like no one cares or understands? You ask yourself over and over what did I do to deserve this. You analyze your life from beginning till now, but still have no answers. Without answers how do you change things so that one day you may feel significant and not be alone anymore? Welcome to my world. The world of emptiness and despair, desperate for someone to care and someone to understand. One day I will find answers and I will rise above this. One day it will not matter the thoughts of others or the lack of. Only my own. One day I will wake up and though not perfect will still love myself despite the worlds negativity cast upon me. It will phase me no more and I will be able to let it go before it takes hold. One day at a time is all I need. One positive focus at a time. This I owe to myself. Through all my wrongs forgiveness waits, but the only person that can give that to me is myself…