Past the point of Scars

I have scars left by others that run deep. I am proud of those scars. Those scars have taught me a lot about life, people and myself. Because of them I have learned I am a strong, compassionate person who is also guarded at times. I am a giver and a doer. I am sensitive and genuine. I am the best friend you could ever have. My smile is bright. I love to make others laugh. When you look into my eyes you will see the goodness in my heart, but also my beautiful soul. My purpose is to share love and kindness in a world that has gone astray. So having said these things, if you come into my life and want to stay you must have respect for all of me, even with my scars. You must be genuine and kind. If you are going to love me, in any way, it cannot be conditional. You must always be there to build me up, never tear me down. You must be a smile giver, never a smile taker. I know there will still be hurt and disagreement, no one is perfect, but I am past the point of scars. Life is getting shorter by the minute and I have already wasted so much of it on things not worth it. I do not mean to offend and hope you can understand. I promise you if you except these terms and decide to stay there will always be at least one smile in your heart…

Enough

Insecurity is such a living hell on earth. It robs you of joy and happiness every chance it gets. People tell you “stop the nonsense”. “Why can’t you see yourself the way I do”? That’s just it – I do see myself the way others have. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, just not enough period. I have spent a good majority of life trying to meet the expectations of others. In doing so, I have never given myself a chance to see if I am enough for me. The years have taken their toll and I am left trying desperately to undo all that has been done. The hurt, insecurity and fear of abandonment are always at the front of my mind. I spend the better part of my day fighting to push them back. Just when I make progress the day is over and I awaken to fight all over again. Some days I am pretty proud of myself. I can actually look in the mirror and say to myself “I am good enough for me and that’s all that matters”. Still other days are rough. I hate everything about myself. The past voices just keep screaming in my head and I am not strong enough to win. Those days are really difficult and only add more fuel to the negative fire. Though I often feel defeated I cannot give up. As I look inside myself and who I have become I believe that I deserve to be accepted for who I am. I believe that the hurtful voices need to be silenced. I just have not figured out how to make that happen, but I will never stop trying. If I cannot find worth in myself I cannot expect anyone else to either. Life will become an unending cycle of sadness. That would be tragic. I did not come into the world this way, nor do I want to leave it this way. I want to be remembered as a compassionate smile maker who’s light was unending. When I take my last breath I want to be able to say “I am enough”…

Dream On

So they say the average person will sleep 26 years in a lifetime. Some may hear that and think – such a waste. For me I hear that and think – how wonderful. I’m sure in a perfect world sleeping that long would be a waste, but in my world it will be time spent in a realm where my world can be perfect. In dreams I am free to be happy. I can except myself the way I am without the care of another’s thoughts. I can have that special someone in my life that lights my heart on fire and I can spend as many countless hours as I choose just being content and secure in his arms. My heart can be whole instead of scarred and in pieces. Dreams are the one place where life can really be what you make it and love is unconditional without limits. An escape from the cruelty of reality and all its negativity. Looking at it that way, those 26 years seem like blessings of happiness that I will gladly spend being able to just Dream On…

Love is…

Love is such a misused, misunderstood word. I feel it is often said without the understanding of the true meaning. The definition of the word love is a strong affection for or to feel passion, devotion or tenderness for another. I wish I could say that when someone says they love you that is what is really understood, meant or shown. More often than not in this world that is not it at all. Rather love is a disconnected disrespect of selfishness that leaves you feeling empty and confused. Saying one thing, showing something very different. For me that word has brought much heart ache and insecurity. When it is said I find myself bracing for the hurt and abandonment. Throughout my life no one that says they love me ever stays. They never show it for long and soon there is always something they dislike more than they love about me. I have spent so much of my life this way that it has caused me to ask myself what love meant to me so I could make a positive difference and use my own hurt for good. For me love is giving more than you take. It is care, concern, forgiveness, tenderness, communication and an unconditional, unexplainable feeling that is unique to the person you share it with. I believe the person you share it with should always know they matter and are important in your world. I want to give them a reason to smile as much as I can and will go out of my way to do so. I believe life is too short to take the people you love for granted. It is my hope that when I share love it will bring happiness to my person not just for that moment, but also as a memory relived. On the rare occasion that you find someone in life that gets the real meaning of love there is no greater gift or pleasure. Even the people around you are a witness to it. It is a smile till your face hurts kind of thing that you will never get enough of.

~ rambling ~

Do you know how hard it is to go through life feeling all alone and like no one cares or understands? You ask yourself over and over what did I do to deserve this. You analyze your life from beginning till now, but still have no answers. Without answers how do you change things so that one day you may feel significant and not be alone anymore? Welcome to my world. The world of emptiness and despair, desperate for someone to care and someone to understand. One day I will find answers and I will rise above this. One day it will not matter the thoughts of others or the lack of. Only my own. One day I will wake up and though not perfect will still love myself despite the worlds negativity cast upon me. It will phase me no more and I will be able to let it go before it takes hold. One day at a time is all I need. One positive focus at a time. This I owe to myself. Through all my wrongs forgiveness waits, but the only person that can give that to me is myself…

A New Friend

Recently I made a new friend in the most unlikely of places – the closet. While visiting there I met the vacuum cleaner. As I’ve spent so much time in the closet lately I have grown fond of the vacuum cleaner and learned an all new respect for it. One might look at the vacuum cleaner and see nothing really special, but look a little closer. The vacuum cleaner has a hard, thankless job. Day in and day out the vacuum cleaner is there cleaning up all the messes we make and never complains one little bit. It runs so much more efficiently then the broom and dust pan, but no one hardly takes notice. The vacuum cleaner is quite versatile, what with all its attachments you can get every inch of the house spotless in no time. Which then leaves more time for you to enjoy the things in life you want to. I have also realized in my countless hours with the vacuum cleaner what a good listener it can be. I have shared many long, drawn out conversations with the vacuum cleaner while in the closet and not once did my conversation get interrupted or was one sarcastic comment made. So you see, perhaps the vacuum cleaner is really a greatly underestimated and unappreciated piece of equipment.

Taunting Absence

You wake from a restless sleep hoping it was all just a dream. You run outside, look to the sky and your heart sinks. You are here in this place, it was no dream, so you have to face the reality of it all. The distance you felt that rapes you of safety and happiness is all too real. The insanity of losing him whirlwinds inside taunting you like demons from the depths of hell. You are desperate to escape before it consumes you, but how? You fade away inside yourself to find the answer. You call on your endless memories of him. His smile, his tenderness, his compassionate touch. You can still hear his calm, gentle voice speaking your name. You listen carefully as to not miss a word. It is these memories that will save you from the absence. These memories have become a part of you, of every breath you take. They are the strength for your survival until all is right in your world again.