They say love is a many splendored thing. It brings joy, smiles and makes a heart feel like nothing else ever could. It is shared through affection, communication and understood quietness when you look at one another. It is amazing to be in the presence of. Enjoying even the simplest moments that others may take for granted and feeling the contentment of it all. In this life, I can say I have been lucky enough to share this with someone. One who excepts me as I am and puts back together all my brokenness. One who excepts my scars without judgement and completes me in a way that is solely his. I could never express in words his meaning in my life, but my actions will speak until I take my last breath…
You know everybody wants to find their place in this life, somewhere that they actually belong. A place that they know they matter and that brings joy to their soul. But sometimes is it really worth it finding that place and having it for only a temporary time and then having it taken away? It’s so devastating. It is almost better to just live on your own then to experience that type of loss.
Watching dead leaves blow by in the wind. Thinking how much I feel like that myself. Just so dead inside. A part of me is gone, but isn’t at the same time. The memories linger on. Smiles and tears conflict. I fight every day to make it through, but the hurt is none like I’ve ever known. My strength has become weak. I have a new understanding of consuming sadness. I pray for just one more memory. One more conversation. One more smile. One more day together. The chance to say what was left unsaid. The chance to burn the memory of your face into my soul. You have taken it all. All that made me feel whole. All that gave my heart joy. All that finally made me feel home. Now I wander lost once again…
Fade to Black
So terribly broken. Tears fall like rain. So empty inside yet full of so much sorrow at the same time. My heart is lifeless. My soul is walking aimlessly through what feels like the depths of hell. I look around my world for someway out. For some way to end the torture, but it is hopeless. My guardian is gone. I am left on my own. My strength is failing and I cry out for mercy. This burden that I bear fades everything to black. I have no understanding of what is bestowed on me. I question my purpose, my life. Is it worth even trying to go on? I matter so little and will hardly be missed. The wasted breaths taken can be stopped in an instant. The darkness will consume me for the last time. Burdens lifted and I can finally be at peace.
With you I cannot be who I am and feel proud anymore. I have to second-guess my every word, my every emotion, my every intention. My person is lost and so am I. What I thought I knew, all lies. My laughter, my smile, now replaced with tears and sadness. And oh the pain. The pain tears into my soul and drags me under to a place of hopeless darkness. I must find a way to let go in order to save myself. So much easier said than done. Let go of what I thought was forever. A friendship worth more than gold. A friendship so truly one of a kind. An understanding never needing to be spoken. A security to fight the biggest fear. Now replaced with something I cannot begin to explain. What happened? Why am I left in this painful emptiness with no explanation? Don’t you remember me?? Your cheering section, your strength when yours was running low, your encouragement, your voice of reason you always ran to, your unconditional everything. I am still me. I wish you were still you. In this absence, I hope you gain clarity and strength. I hope you realize your truths and what you want out of life. I want nothing more than complete happiness for you. A balance in this crazy life so that you always wear that beautiful smile with meaning. I want your soul to be at peace and your heart to be whole. I want you to cherish our memories as I will and never forget what we meant to each other.
Trying to catch my breath and face this new reality. My life has suddenly become a movie of my past. Sorting through the memories one by one hoping to understand how I got here. I feel dazed and confused. Lost and broken. I cannot unlock the mystery of it. No ill intentions, no selfishness, no expectations. Excepting as is. Picking up pieces of a broken man and trying to put them back together one by one. Encouragement, patience, love and understanding given in hopes they could build inner strength to hold the pieces together. Sadly that was not the case. Somehow, in the moments of it all the strength began to give way and the pieces came crashing down. Blame was placed and BOTH are broken. Pieces everywhere. Pain, sadness, heartache. Too overwhelming to comprehend. Two hearts scream for mercy from this torment and pray for the understanding of how to start yet again to pick up the pieces…
Sometimes you go through life looking for your place and acceptance. You are looking for something that completes you and allows you to know that you matter. Days, even years, pass with no real direction or worth. You get lost in all the cruelty that this world has bestowed upon you and slip farther into the darkness of regrets and emptiness. The journey seems so long and is torture with every breath taken. You nearly give up every day. No one truly knows your struggle nor would they understand if they did. Then one day you awaken to find the darkness has been replaced with a light like you have never known. A light that shines so bright and still lingers long after the one who has brought it is gone. In an instant, all the pieces start to fall in to place. Your life begins to have meaning, your heart begins to know joy and your soul finally rests quietly. In this moment you realize what a gift you have been given. You stand in awe of this magic and you begin to allow yourself to smile. You experience warmth and love. Your journey becomes one that you hope never ends. You vow to take advantage of every second and never one for granted. The giver knows not the depth of the gift, the receiver will never forget…
I am just a girl full of complexity and emotion. My life has never been easy and my mistakes are many. From these mistakes are scars and insecurities that lurk at every corner of my life. My daily existence is a struggle, some days harder than others. By going through the darkness and realizing it’s depth I know that for me there is no means to an end from this constant torture I feel. Happiness is no choice when you are imprisoned by your own thoughts. So many voices and none of them positive. It is tiresome and lonely. No one understands. I fight with every ounce of my being, but still can never overcome it. So in the absence of triumph I exist to live another day. Waking each morning hoping to finally hear the silence…
Embrace the Journey
Fear wells up inside as I walk down this dark and desolate road. I look at my surroundings and there are things so familiar yet so not at the same time. I make this journey alone hoping I have enough strength to persevere and anxiously await the takeaway. Every road we travel in life is meant to be a lesson. At the time you do not realize it, but each journey prepares you for the next and only makes you stronger and more wise. It is always harder when you travel alone, but it must be that way for if it were any other way you would not truly absorb the experience and its teachings. By being in the presence of life and it’s not so simple state you gain knowledge. Fear will always be present, but your courage will only grow stronger. Stand tall, stay focused and embrace the journey.
Standing over a puddle watching the rain fall like teardrops from my eyes. I stand in the storm wondering how many times I have been here before? How many tears have fallen from my eyes to make puddles like these? As I look back on my past I know there are far too many to count. I know not what or who the storm brings, but once it arrives my purpose becomes apparent. I am relentless in commitment and comfort until the storm is over and the sun shines again, at least for one. My storm is always present. It is vengeful and merciless. It rocks my foundation and tears away at my strength. Living inside this vessel is nothing, but exhausting torture. That is why I must make the difference. I must be unrelenting in my fight for others. I understand the toll of the storm. I understand what it means to fight alone. I could not rest knowing I ever turned my back on one deserving or not. My intentions are pure, my heart is genuine and your struggle becomes mine. A storm in any capacity should never be weathered alone.