Enjoy the Moment

(Written July 14, 2018)

A dear friend once told me “you have to enjoy the moment”. I imagine that is the problem in my life. I am so busy looking ahead I miss what’s here now. If you think about that, it is quite a tragic thing in life not to just enjoy the moment. When life takes hold and the craziness sets in I often lose track of myself and life and time. Our time here is too short to keep allowing that to happen. What’s important is that I be good to myself first and take no moment for granted. Moment seems like such a simple word, but it is so much more important then we take the time to notice. Moments are things like a loved one’s smile, the way they laugh, the way they always know the right thing to say just when you need it, sunrises and sunsets, the warmth of your pup curled up beside you or the gentle nudge from your favorite llama. Those simple moments, without even realizing it will become most treasured memories. Those moments will continue to give happiness, love and strength long after the moment is over, but only if you take the time to stop and enjoy each one. I am fortunate to have been told that before all my moments were gone. When you figure out how important moments really are life is never the same. Hard times still come and life will still get crazy, but down deep inside you always wear a smile because you have learned the importance of just being able to enjoy the moment…

Unintentional Gift

Some of the greatest, truest love in life is felt in ways that can only be understood by those who share it. You know this love is present when even the simplest gestures flood your heart with a touch of a thousand butterfly’s wings in flight. It fills you with an anxious warmth that lasts long after you part from one another. A memory makes you smile so wide that others wonder what they’re missing. Sharing this kind of love, every second together is a treasure to be held. It is unexplainable and undeniable at the same time. When you are together it can be seen by those around you. When you are apart it can be felt in the longing emptiness of your heart. This love is an unintentional gift. A not so chance meeting as fate stepped in and opened up your world to complete bliss. This love needs no words. It is spoken when eyes meet, hands touch, as you share an endless embrace. You tremble at the thought and know it shall always remain…

Finally At Rest

So many demons screaming inside my head. They never let me rest. They remind me every second of every failure, every imperfection and cast loneliness upon my soul. I go through my day trying to drown them out, but they are never truly silent. You think you know me because on the outside I appear to be happy. You can’t hear them and I don’t let you see they are there. On the inside it’s a war zone. Good versus evil. I used to pray I would win, but lately I just pray for silence. Lately, their screams have been too much. Even the strong have a breaking point. Mine is here. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to fight them. It’s too hard and I never truly win. You can never imagine what a life like this is like. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The pain is so intense you feel like you could literally just explode into 1000 pieces. I hold on because I have no choice. One day, one way or another the torture will end. I will be at peace. Those that have been in my life will miss my laughter and my caring smile. They will think “what a sad day it is”. I will be smiling down on them saying, “do not cry for me. I am finally at rest. What you saw on the outside is now on the inside and I can truly smile and know happiness”.

The struggle is REAL

When you hear the word prison you think of a brick-and-mortar building with bars and barbed wire, if only that was the only kind. More often than not prison is being trapped inside yourself facing all the demons in your life. You’re not so good choices that have led you to the life you live. They have locked the demons inside with you and you cannot escape from your self inflicted hell. Each day is a struggle just to survive. You put your game face on to face the world, but on the inside there is a constant knockdown, drag out fight, good versus evil. From day to day you never know who’s going to win you just pray to God it will be you. Why did you make the choices you did? Why couldn’t you see what it would lead to? Too late to ask now just have to focus on trying to survive. What a draining life. Never knowing true happiness. Never being able to let your guard down. Never knowing each day if you are going to win or not. It is so tiring. It is really not living only existing, a miserable existence at that. Your soul longs for peace, a peace that may never come. Yet each day you start your day with that game face holding on to the hope of that peace. Without that the demons win. All is lost. And you become a casualty of your self inflicted hell…

Because of Zoey Jane

You came into my life when the darkness was ever present and I could not escape. I felt as if I had known you forever. With your warm eyes and gentle voice you wisked away some of the darkness and light appeared. Your compassion and patience were not deserved but, given so freely and still are. You have become a permanent resident in not only my heart but, also my soul. There is an unspoken love that cannot be explained in words. It is blissful. You accept that I am a little crazy and that I am scarred by my past. For this and so much more, until I take my last breath I will not let a day go by where I ever take you for granted. You are truly an Angel in my world and I am becoming a much better person because of it. You are amazing beyond measure and I am so in awe that our paths crossed.

For Better or Worse

Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel alone every minute of everyday? To feel unloved, unwanted and unimportant? To come home every night longing to be held in the quietness of your husband’s arms only to come home to either an empty house or arms that want to do nothing, but ignore you. It is true torture to the heart and soul. By the actions shown and the lack of words your mind convinces you you are worthless. The day to day confirmation of it all never gives you a chance to believe different. Each day you wake up you look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re gonna like yourself today for you, but it is an impossible task. The negativity from this life has taken hold and never lets go. Every day is the same repeat of sadness. The conversations lead to no answers. You are told you are loved but, rarely shown. It’s like you have a fatal disease that no one wants to catch. You are left alone asking “what is so wrong with me?” “Why can’t he just tell me so I could fix myself if it’s possible?” Instead, the loneliness has permanent residence and the mental abuse lives on. It has been so long I guess I should be used to it but, I just can’t seem to. I am hurt to the depths of every ounce of my being. I feel so alone that I am becoming unstable. The sadness is too much and is turning to anger towards myself and him. I hate it and I hate who it makes me for feeling the way I do. I never saw my beautiful fairytale turning into such a disastrous nightmare and yet here I am. I long for his love, his support, his smile being worn because of me. I long to be important in his eyes again but, I fear that will never be. The question is how to go on? How do I breathe without him? He is my everything. In my heart the sun still rises and sets on him. So sad to love someone so much that doesn’t even know I exist. My heart and spirit are so so broken. This love was different. It was the truest, most unconditional I have ever given. I gave all I had and even what I never knew I could. If that isn’t enough then I am truly at a loss. Loneliness will forever be my destiny.

I LOVE you for every smile you have ever brought to my world. At the same time, I HATE you for every tear you have ever made fall down my cheek.

Take My Breath Away

Have you ever heard the saying “Take My Breath Away”? Most people hear that and associate it with things like a beautiful sunset, the view from atop a mountain, the first time you ever see a rainbow during the storm. Take My Breath Away can also have a different association like not being able to catch your breath because you lost someone you love, feeling like you have just been hit by a truck at 100mph, seeing the darkness creeping in taking away the light and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. When this kind of Take Your Breath Away happens you are drowning, barely treading water and all hope is lost for you. You can try with all your might to save yourself but, it is really useless. The only one that can save you now is the one who caused it by their absence. This is a horrible place. Darkness, sadness, tears and a heart that skips beats in the worst kind of way-you pray it will skip them all. As you replay in your mind all the memories it only makes you spiral further into the abyss of emptiness. Such hopelessness and despair that you never realized could exist. The silence of it all on the outside let’s no one else know but, the hurt, rage and sadness on the inside screams so loud it’s deafening. Trapped inside a prison with no escape-a life sentence was given. Life can never be the same. You will try at some point to pick up the pieces, but you will never have them all. You will always have that one place of emptiness that Takes Your Breath Away…