Love is…

Love is such a misused, misunderstood word. I feel it is often said without the understanding of the true meaning. The definition of the word love is a strong affection for or to feel passion, devotion or tenderness for another. I wish I could say that when someone says they love you that is what is really understood, meant or shown. More often than not in this world that is not it at all. Rather love is a disconnected disrespect of selfishness that leaves you feeling empty and confused. Saying one thing, showing something very different. For me that word has brought much heart ache and insecurity. When it is said I find myself bracing for the hurt and abandonment. Throughout my life no one that says they love me ever stays. They never show it for long and soon there is always something they dislike more than they love about me. I have spent so much of my life this way that it has caused me to ask myself what love meant to me so I could make a positive difference and use my own hurt for good. For me love is giving more than you take. It is care, concern, forgiveness, tenderness, communication and an unconditional, unexplainable feeling that is unique to the person you share it with. I believe the person you share it with should always know they matter and are important in your world. I want to give them a reason to smile as much as I can and will go out of my way to do so. I believe life is too short to take the people you love for granted. It is my hope that when I share love it will bring happiness to my person not just for that moment, but also as a memory relived. On the rare occasion that you find someone in life that gets the real meaning of love there is no greater gift or pleasure. Even the people around you are a witness to it. It is a smile till your face hurts kind of thing that you will never get enough of.

~ rambling ~

Do you know how hard it is to go through life feeling all alone and like no one cares or understands? You ask yourself over and over what did I do to deserve this. You analyze your life from beginning till now, but still have no answers. Without answers how do you change things so that one day you may feel significant and not be alone anymore? Welcome to my world. The world of emptiness and despair, desperate for someone to care and someone to understand. One day I will find answers and I will rise above this. One day it will not matter the thoughts of others or the lack of. Only my own. One day I will wake up and though not perfect will still love myself despite the worlds negativity cast upon me. It will phase me no more and I will be able to let it go before it takes hold. One day at a time is all I need. One positive focus at a time. This I owe to myself. Through all my wrongs forgiveness waits, but the only person that can give that to me is myself…

A New Friend

Recently I made a new friend in the most unlikely of places – the closet. While visiting there I met the vacuum cleaner. As I’ve spent so much time in the closet lately I have grown fond of the vacuum cleaner and learned an all new respect for it. One might look at the vacuum cleaner and see nothing really special, but look a little closer. The vacuum cleaner has a hard, thankless job. Day in and day out the vacuum cleaner is there cleaning up all the messes we make and never complains one little bit. It runs so much more efficiently then the broom and dust pan, but no one hardly takes notice. The vacuum cleaner is quite versatile, what with all its attachments you can get every inch of the house spotless in no time. Which then leaves more time for you to enjoy the things in life you want to. I have also realized in my countless hours with the vacuum cleaner what a good listener it can be. I have shared many long, drawn out conversations with the vacuum cleaner while in the closet and not once did my conversation get interrupted or was one sarcastic comment made. So you see, perhaps the vacuum cleaner is really a greatly underestimated and unappreciated piece of equipment.

Taunting Absence

You wake from a restless sleep hoping it was all just a dream. You run outside, look to the sky and your heart sinks. You are here in this place, it was no dream, so you have to face the reality of it all. The distance you felt that rapes you of safety and happiness is all too real. The insanity of losing him whirlwinds inside taunting you like demons from the depths of hell. You are desperate to escape before it consumes you, but how? You fade away inside yourself to find the answer. You call on your endless memories of him. His smile, his tenderness, his compassionate touch. You can still hear his calm, gentle voice speaking your name. You listen carefully as to not miss a word. It is these memories that will save you from the absence. These memories have become a part of you, of every breath you take. They are the strength for your survival until all is right in your world again.

Safe Haven

There is a moment in life when you realize just how much a friend means to you. When that moment happens a feeling of warmth and love washes over you like a rainbow after the storm. He has been ever present in your life. Always a safe haven for your weary soul. He has offered so much and taken so little. As you look back on the years, you are amazed to see how this bond grew into what it is today. You play back the memories of laughter, love, serious and tender moments. You realize just how special you are together. There are no words for you to express your gratitude. From the heart you know that this is a friendship of a lifetime. You know you will spend a lifetime nurturing and protecting it. Showing appreciation each step of the way. For this friendship is more precious than the riches of the earth. It is understood with a quiet unconditional presence that is felt even when you are apart. How amazing that you have been able to experience this in such a disconnected world…

Enjoy the Moment

(Written July 14, 2018)

A dear friend once told me “you have to enjoy the moment”. I imagine that is the problem in my life. I am so busy looking ahead I miss what’s here now. If you think about that, it is quite a tragic thing in life not to just enjoy the moment. When life takes hold and the craziness sets in I often lose track of myself and life and time. Our time here is too short to keep allowing that to happen. What’s important is that I be good to myself first and take no moment for granted. Moment seems like such a simple word, but it is so much more important then we take the time to notice. Moments are things like a loved one’s smile, the way they laugh, the way they always know the right thing to say just when you need it, sunrises and sunsets, the warmth of your pup curled up beside you or the gentle nudge from your favorite llama. Those simple moments, without even realizing it will become most treasured memories. Those moments will continue to give happiness, love and strength long after the moment is over, but only if you take the time to stop and enjoy each one. I am fortunate to have been told that before all my moments were gone. When you figure out how important moments really are life is never the same. Hard times still come and life will still get crazy, but down deep inside you always wear a smile because you have learned the importance of just being able to enjoy the moment…

Unintentional Gift

Some of the greatest, truest love in life is felt in ways that can only be understood by those who share it. You know this love is present when even the simplest gestures flood your heart with a touch of a thousand butterfly’s wings in flight. It fills you with an anxious warmth that lasts long after you part from one another. A memory makes you smile so wide that others wonder what they’re missing. Sharing this kind of love, every second together is a treasure to be held. It is unexplainable and undeniable at the same time. When you are together it can be seen by those around you. When you are apart it can be felt in the longing emptiness of your heart. This love is an unintentional gift. A not so chance meeting as fate stepped in and opened up your world to complete bliss. This love needs no words. It is spoken when eyes meet, hands touch, as you share an endless embrace. You tremble at the thought and know it shall always remain…

Finally At Rest

So many demons screaming inside my head. They never let me rest. They remind me every second of every failure, every imperfection and cast loneliness upon my soul. I go through my day trying to drown them out, but they are never truly silent. You think you know me because on the outside I appear to be happy. You can’t hear them and I don’t let you see they are there. On the inside it’s a war zone. Good versus evil. I used to pray I would win, but lately I just pray for silence. Lately, their screams have been too much. Even the strong have a breaking point. Mine is here. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to fight them. It’s too hard and I never truly win. You can never imagine what a life like this is like. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The pain is so intense you feel like you could literally just explode into 1000 pieces. I hold on because I have no choice. One day, one way or another the torture will end. I will be at peace. Those that have been in my life will miss my laughter and my caring smile. They will think “what a sad day it is”. I will be smiling down on them saying, “do not cry for me. I am finally at rest. What you saw on the outside is now on the inside and I can truly smile and know happiness”.

The struggle is REAL

When you hear the word prison you think of a brick-and-mortar building with bars and barbed wire, if only that was the only kind. More often than not prison is being trapped inside yourself facing all the demons in your life. You’re not so good choices that have led you to the life you live. They have locked the demons inside with you and you cannot escape from your self inflicted hell. Each day is a struggle just to survive. You put your game face on to face the world, but on the inside there is a constant knockdown, drag out fight, good versus evil. From day to day you never know who’s going to win you just pray to God it will be you. Why did you make the choices you did? Why couldn’t you see what it would lead to? Too late to ask now just have to focus on trying to survive. What a draining life. Never knowing true happiness. Never being able to let your guard down. Never knowing each day if you are going to win or not. It is so tiring. It is really not living only existing, a miserable existence at that. Your soul longs for peace, a peace that may never come. Yet each day you start your day with that game face holding on to the hope of that peace. Without that the demons win. All is lost. And you become a casualty of your self inflicted hell…

Because of Zoey Jane

You came into my life when the darkness was ever present and I could not escape. I felt as if I had known you forever. With your warm eyes and gentle voice you wisked away some of the darkness and light appeared. Your compassion and patience were not deserved but, given so freely and still are. You have become a permanent resident in not only my heart but, also my soul. There is an unspoken love that cannot be explained in words. It is blissful. You accept that I am a little crazy and that I am scarred by my past. For this and so much more, until I take my last breath I will not let a day go by where I ever take you for granted. You are truly an Angel in my world and I am becoming a much better person because of it. You are amazing beyond measure and I am so in awe that our paths crossed.