For Better or Worse

Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel alone every minute of everyday? To feel unloved, unwanted and unimportant? To come home every night longing to be held in the quietness of your husband’s arms only to come home to either an empty house or arms that want to do nothing, but ignore you. It is true torture to the heart and soul. By the actions shown and the lack of words your mind convinces you you are worthless. The day to day confirmation of it all never gives you a chance to believe different. Each day you wake up you look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re gonna like yourself today for you, but it is an impossible task. The negativity from this life has taken hold and never lets go. Every day is the same repeat of sadness. The conversations lead to no answers. You are told you are loved but, rarely shown. It’s like you have a fatal disease that no one wants to catch. You are left alone asking “what is so wrong with me?” “Why can’t he just tell me so I could fix myself if it’s possible?” Instead, the loneliness has permanent residence and the mental abuse lives on. It has been so long I guess I should be used to it but, I just can’t seem to. I am hurt to the depths of every ounce of my being. I feel so alone that I am becoming unstable. The sadness is too much and is turning to anger towards myself and him. I hate it and I hate who it makes me for feeling the way I do. I never saw my beautiful fairytale turning into such a disastrous nightmare and yet here I am. I long for his love, his support, his smile being worn because of me. I long to be important in his eyes again but, I fear that will never be. The question is how to go on? How do I breathe without him? He is my everything. In my heart the sun still rises and sets on him. So sad to love someone so much that doesn’t even know I exist. My heart and spirit are so so broken. This love was different. It was the truest, most unconditional I have ever given. I gave all I had and even what I never knew I could. If that isn’t enough then I am truly at a loss. Loneliness will forever be my destiny.

I LOVE you for every smile you have ever brought to my world. At the same time, I HATE you for every tear you have ever made fall down my cheek.

Take My Breath Away

Have you ever heard the saying “Take My Breath Away”? Most people hear that and associate it with things like a beautiful sunset, the view from atop a mountain, the first time you ever see a rainbow during the storm. Take My Breath Away can also have a different association like not being able to catch your breath because you lost someone you love, feeling like you have just been hit by a truck at 100mph, seeing the darkness creeping in taking away the light and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. When this kind of Take Your Breath Away happens you are drowning, barely treading water and all hope is lost for you. You can try with all your might to save yourself but, it is really useless. The only one that can save you now is the one who caused it by their absence. This is a horrible place. Darkness, sadness, tears and a heart that skips beats in the worst kind of way-you pray it will skip them all. As you replay in your mind all the memories it only makes you spiral further into the abyss of emptiness. Such hopelessness and despair that you never realized could exist. The silence of it all on the outside let’s no one else know but, the hurt, rage and sadness on the inside screams so loud it’s deafening. Trapped inside a prison with no escape-a life sentence was given. Life can never be the same. You will try at some point to pick up the pieces, but you will never have them all. You will always have that one place of emptiness that Takes Your Breath Away…

Angels DO Exist

People say Angels are all around us. We cannot see them or know they are there until we start to fall and they catch us before we hit rock bottom. At that moment, you know who your Angel is because at that moment life is different and rock bottom begins to get farther away. Who would have ever known my Angel would be a perfect stranger. It has been an eternity since I felt worth anything or like I deserved to be appreciated. Actually, these last months have been very dark for me. More often than not contemplating driving head on, with full force into an 18 wheeler-Who would miss me any way? Now I cannot say that. Now each day I try to find one thing good about myself and let that be my focus. My Angel says, “enjoy the moment”. What a life changer. Enjoy the moment instead of letting the moment pass you by. Dwelling on that single phrase is the beginning of me being able to like myself and to start doing things for me. To stop being lost in the madness of my self created prison and start looking beyond the bars.

I am forever grateful to you gentle stranger, my Angel I never knew was there…