Enough

Insecurity is such a living hell on earth. It robs you of joy and happiness every chance it gets. People tell you “stop the nonsense”. “Why can’t you see yourself the way I do”? That’s just it – I do see myself the way others have. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, just not enough period. I have spent a good majority of life trying to meet the expectations of others. In doing so, I have never given myself a chance to see if I am enough for me. The years have taken their toll and I am left trying desperately to undo all that has been done. The hurt, insecurity and fear of abandonment are always at the front of my mind. I spend the better part of my day fighting to push them back. Just when I make progress the day is over and I awaken to fight all over again. Some days I am pretty proud of myself. I can actually look in the mirror and say to myself “I am good enough for me and that’s all that matters”. Still other days are rough. I hate everything about myself. The past voices just keep screaming in my head and I am not strong enough to win. Those days are really difficult and only add more fuel to the negative fire. Though I often feel defeated I cannot give up. As I look inside myself and who I have become I believe that I deserve to be accepted for who I am. I believe that the hurtful voices need to be silenced. I just have not figured out how to make that happen, but I will never stop trying. If I cannot find worth in myself I cannot expect anyone else to either. Life will become an unending cycle of sadness. That would be tragic. I did not come into the world this way, nor do I want to leave it this way. I want to be remembered as a compassionate smile maker who’s light was unending. When I take my last breath I want to be able to say “I am enough”…