You are such an anomaly that I must question if this is a dream. Even then, I am in disbelief because my dreams never turn out like this. There is joy in our moments and peace that lingers in the absence. You have become my strength when I am weak, and my saving grace when the trigger is set. The negativity that surrounds me dissipates in an instant when your words whisper to me. Your spirit is always with me, reminding me of my path, with the assurance, I am not alone. There is an amazingness that emanates from your being that causes me great pause to take you all in. Your warmth and security surrounds me like a fortress and cradles me in pure bliss. My gratitude for your reappearance could never be measured by the trivial explanations of this world. Instead, it shall be felt in all the days that remain through the connection that only you and I know. Our continuance shall prove that fate is unfailing in its own time and what is meant to be will be.

Being alone with my thoughts, miles of memories race through my head. The repetition of my mistakes, the constant of the dark has me questioning my reason for existence. Surely, it must not be to live a life of constant sorrow, but I just cannot seem to find my way. If I could only grip as tightly to myself as I do to others, I would have the strength to move past the mistakes. Self-worth is laughable. The irony is it’s not really funny.

In the quietness of the dawn, I journey out into the unknown. The dim light illuminates my path. As I look around, I see things not so familiar. I feel anxious fear begin to take hold, yet I know I must move forward. Suddenly, I hear a soft voice in the distance calling to me. The winds begin to swirl, bringing that voice closer. As I listen, the fear begins to dissipate. The words I hear only makes sense to me. As I continue to walk toward the voice, I feel a secure warmth wash over me and feel like I have sunshine beneath my feet. I am encouraged to continue and realize the winds of change are finally blowing in my favor.

Tears fall from my eyes like a summer storm. The thunder inside my chest crashes so hard my heart feels as if it will shatter into a million pieces. I am the only one who feels the storm. I am the only one that will have to live through its aftermath. Many storms have come and gone, none quite this. Devastation, an emptiness deeper than any I have ever known. This one cuts into my soul and releases demons from the past. Despair and disappointment, so familiar. This time there will be no coming back. The loss is too great. The memory of the storm, is so bittersweet, yet it could not be traded for anything in this world. I would rather have the memory than nothing at all. Sorrow now takes residence inside what’s left of my heart.

I sit in silence. The voices in my head, all talking at the same time about the shadow from my past. His reappearance, has set my world on fire. Happiness, confusion, and a never ending why? Gone so long yet now so present. Present in a way I don’t deserve. Distance disappearing with every word spoken. I try to be cautious, but get consumed by this familiar being that reaches for my hand to save me from myself. His expectations are overwhelming. The weight of them suffocating me until I feel almost breathless. Then I see his face and hear him say“I’m right here.“ Those words cradle me and bring me back to existence. The security of his touch compels me to move forward. Cautiously, I start again, trying not to unbreak the brokenness, but instead to embrace who I am because of it.

I could’ve never known what a blessing you would be in my life. When I saw your face it sparked something and I was drawn in. You have changed my life in so many positive ways. You have given me an outlet for all the madness in my world that gets so dark that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You have given me the guidance to make my own light. I never understood the meaning of “ The pen is mightier than the sword” till now. I believe you were sent so that I would live another day. When I met you my days were scarcely numbered. My hope was abolished. Care for myself was nonexistent. Through your eyes and your heart I was given a meaning like I had never known. In this instance patience is a virtue that I will never take for granted. My patience and yours brought us together and keeps us that way. For that and you my dear one, I will be eternally grateful. You are my difference.

Your weathered face tells a story of a storm raging in your existence. Days of anxiousness so deep that my skin crawls, leading me to your memory. The connection is not broken even with distance. Soul To Soul. A connection that will remain for our eternity. I feel your struggle as well. Anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, disbelief. The uncertainty that is your truth right now. The overwhelmingness of it all is dangerous. It alters your true self and causes actions made in desperation. I caution you, take a step back and quiet the storm, even if just for a moment. No good will come of your actions made in such a state, but in the quiet, the voice of reason will step in and you will be able to sort it out. Changing first what you do have control over, one situation at a time. Thinking too far ahead will only keep the storm raging and keep you from your sanity. You are strong, intelligent and uneasily defeated. Though it feels hopeless, you will overcome yet again, stronger than before. The faith I have in you you must also, have in yourself. Only then will the clouds part and give way to brighter days.

Nervous anticipation – hold it together – stay composed – when you walk away, break down – such bittersweet moments – STILL, I would not trade them – there are NO words for how much I miss you….

So underserving of what you have taken from me….

My feelings come out how they are experienced within. You judge what you do not understand and cannot comprehend. I do not react with negativity, instead have empathy for your confusion. I am one like no other in the most positive way. My presence can be overwhelming. My absence can leave you breathless. You struggle to justify the situation and pick me apart looking for the darkness. There is none outwardly only my own inside. This proves to add to your resentment. I am who I am. That will NEVER change. What you are looking for in me you will not find. Your judgments will only be the truth you make them. While the reality of me is so much more then you are willing to accept…

Some scars never heal. Some tears never stop falling. The monster in the shadows is always waiting. You can never wake up to a new beginning so you hope to never wake up at all. The monster is a constant. He resides in all that you are and all that you hope to become. “Good days” are only mindless torments there to remind you of what you will never have. You sit in endless silence trying to unlock the mystery of why you are so deserving of such malice. The silence is so full of static and voices that your mind fills with a ripple effect of madness. Madness overcomes. Madness becomes you. All that’s left is manic injustice that becomes your reality.