For Better or Worse

Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel alone every minute of everyday? To feel unloved, unwanted and unimportant? To come home every night longing to be held in the quietness of your husband’s arms only to come home to either an empty house or arms that want to do nothing, but ignore you. It is true torture to the heart and soul. By the actions shown and the lack of words your mind convinces you you are worthless. The day to day confirmation of it all never gives you a chance to believe different. Each day you wake up you look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re gonna like yourself today for you, but it is an impossible task. The negativity from this life has taken hold and never lets go. Every day is the same repeat of sadness. The conversations lead to no answers. You are told you are loved but, rarely shown. It’s like you have a fatal disease that no one wants to catch. You are left alone asking “what is so wrong with me?” “Why can’t he just tell me so I could fix myself if it’s possible?” Instead, the loneliness has permanent residence and the mental abuse lives on. It has been so long I guess I should be used to it but, I just can’t seem to. I am hurt to the depths of every ounce of my being. I feel so alone that I am becoming unstable. The sadness is too much and is turning to anger towards myself and him. I hate it and I hate who it makes me for feeling the way I do. I never saw my beautiful fairytale turning into such a disastrous nightmare and yet here I am. I long for his love, his support, his smile being worn because of me. I long to be important in his eyes again but, I fear that will never be. The question is how to go on? How do I breathe without him? He is my everything. In my heart the sun still rises and sets on him. So sad to love someone so much that doesn’t even know I exist. My heart and spirit are so so broken. This love was different. It was the truest, most unconditional I have ever given. I gave all I had and even what I never knew I could. If that isn’t enough then I am truly at a loss. Loneliness will forever be my destiny.

I LOVE you for every smile you have ever brought to my world. At the same time, I HATE you for every tear you have ever made fall down my cheek.

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