My heart hurts without you. Raining on the inside. Tears falling on the out. I feel so empty and desolate. I believed in so much only to be consumed by my dreams. Dreams YOU dared me to have that now have become nightmares. They haunt me with every breath. I loved so pure. Gave so selflessly. Shared SO much. Trusted without prejudice. Wanted so little. And you, you watched me fall and knew what would happen without you there to catch me, yet you continued your manipulation without a thought for the effect of my consequence. You claimed to care and gave just enough to keep my heart attached. Bravo to you. You are better than good at what you do. You created a world that I never wanted to leave. A world that I saw my forever in. Finally a place to call home. You became the person I just wanted to melt in to every second of every day. You took advantage of my venerability. As the truth is undeniable by the manner of your presence, I start to disappear into the shadows trying to accept your deceit and let go of what was once my heart and my soul.

My heart is filled with things you will never comprehend. Deceitful trust. Love that hurts. Doubts, demons given as gifts by people who claimed they loved and cared for me. A heart broken into pieces by the naïve misconception that I meant enough for someone to stay. To accept me as I am. Protect me. Comfort me. Be the one they cannot breathe without. The reality of my life, leaves a constant shadow of darkness and fear. Outwardly, you may see, in appearance what you interpret as strength. Inwardly, I am being crushed by the weight of such interpretation, praying for deliverance from the struggle. Yet no one comes to save me. Tangled in a perpetual motion of misunderstanding, isolation, and loneliness. Be thankful that you can walk away. I am trapped inside myself overcome by the malicious memories of inadequacy that makes me who I am.

No one knows what happens inside your mind in the dark. All alone with no one to run to. Trying to quiet the static and make sense of all that no one sees. The weight of its burden starts to crush all that you are and makes it so hard to breathe. As you gasp for air you pray for someone, anyone to come and lift some of the weight, but no one does. You try to pull yourself out from under, but the more you try, the heavier it gets. Your strength has been spent and you begin to fade. The light leaves your eyes. Your heart grows cold and your soul flies away to another place where it can be free.

As I walk down the wooded path the anxious takes over and my mind races. The whispers in the forest wash over me in a heavy fog of doubt. As the darkness settles in, I can not see the road ahead any more. My insecurities and self doubt reach for my hand to guide the way. I can not entertain their presence. Already so broken, they thrive on my defeat. Their intention is one of malice. They have waited in my shadows since my first breath. I refuse for them to be present when I take my last. In all my brokenness, there are still pieces of strength left. I must gather them in order to get past the trees and into the meadow. There, my life can begin again in the manner it was meant. There, the whispers get carried away by the wind and the warmth of the sun pulls me forward to a new horizon.

In a world where only we exist there is happiness, trust, honesty, patience, understanding, forgiveness. There are dreams bigger than the ocean and closeness that distance can’t touch. This world is a perfect place where my heart can smile without fear and my life can be as it was always meant to. This is nothing beyond the realm of amazing, because amazing is all that you are, all that this is. We eclipse’s reality and is my safe place. It is my comfort zone. The place where all my pieces come together to make me whole. Your presence has changed me into a girl I never knew could exist. No judgment, just acceptance. No inhibitions, just me speaking without forethought. The shadows have been replaced by your light and my scars begin to fade. You never give up on me or allow me to give up on myself. Our energy gives strength to overcome anything, allowing us to breathe. We encourage, give insight and direct each other to focus on the new day ahead, one day at a time. Most people live their whole lives without experiencing this kind of connection. I am continually in awe that you are here. I take not one moment for granted. We is the most epic chapter of my life and shows me that the narrative really can change.

The scars from life’s journey live inside my head. I sort them out over and over. I am a carnival of emotion and a thousand pieces. I pick up the pieces trying to make them fit again, only to see that this madness overwhelms me. They fall from my hands like confetti and I sit in the illusion that I have a chance at normal. The realization that I am who I am resides. Acceptance is not meant for me. Conformity’s weight is more than I can bare. I am exhausted from trying to be who I am not and never will. I can’t keep running from her. We must coexist in order for me to exist at all. The judgment will come and go, but we will always remain. I have to live for us and embrace who I’ve become. Without this allowance, I will be living in the shadows of my carnival and nothing will be as it seems.

You came into my life and became my sun and stars. In my darkness there was always your light. Dreams filled my emptiness. Hopes danced in my head. A connection began and grew with each conversation. We shared an openness and trust I have never known. You pushed me beyond my comfort zone and challenged me to believe in a girl that had been gone so long. I became addicted to this feeling and anxious in its absence. I looked beyond the world around me into a world where life could be as it should. The weight of my world began to dissipate into the clouds until it fell like rain once again over me. Drenching me in reality. My breath became shallow and I realized I was starting to drown. As I looked around I was alone and had to find a way to save myself. With nothing to grab onto I had to search for what strength was left within and fight to pull myself up from this whirlpool of madness. In the distance, I heard someone calling my name. I wiped the rain from my eyes to focus on that figure. In my focus, I could see her. The broken girl with her hand outstretched. She was all that was left. So I took her hand and was pulled back into the familiar darkness that always consumes me. Happiness, I understand is not meant for me. The fight is too great. I am weary from this journey so I must let go and travel the roads I know how to navigate. That is my only chance to continue no matter how crazy that may seem. You will always have a room in my mind. WE memories will play like a movie in my heart forever even when ME is all that is left. What you have given will always remain. What you have taken there are no words for. Yet I am still in awe of what your presence was and will always be grateful for the fantasy.

I’m so tired of being a fuck up and afraid to just be myself. I’m so tired of worrying about being abandoned and never being good enough for anyone to stay. I walk on eggshells all the time so much so that my feet always hurt. I hate that people come into my life of their own accord yet dictate the conditions under which they stay. Punishment is always my reward for letting people in and I am sooooo tired. My spirit is broken, my heart is sad and my hope has been long gone. This world is beyond cruel and I can’t wait to take my last breath.

Falling into your warmth. Drifting into your dreams. My life transforms in a way I could have never imagined. You take me to places I never believed in and you push me farther than I ever thought I could go. You turn my brokenness into beautifully mended pieces that refract your light into understanding in a world where only we exist. I get lost in this world and addicted to its complex simplicity. Its reality overwhelms my comprehension and leaves me suspended in disbelief. There are no words for its power and effect, only a feeling of euphoria that resonates to every inch of my being and brings me to submission on my knees, lost in this fantasy.

You are the sun through my clouds. The rainbow that allows me to dance in the rain. The wind that pushes me forward and holds me up when I am falling back. My sanity when the Mad Hatter takes hold. You are the smile that is seen on my face and felt in my heart. Your magic can be heard through my laughter. Your wisdom my guide through the unknown. The aura of your presence calms me and brings clarity to my confusion. Your strength holds the darkness above me on this journey, keeping it from swallowing me whole. My protector, my security, my serenity. With every waking breath, in every moment you are inconceivably irreplaceable and I am the luckiest girl in the world that you are here.